They Matter

     Hello everyone! I've just spent the last hour in the lovely library, typing away at my psychology paper (just kidding, I spent half an hour on Facebook and checking email ;)), and I would like to share an excerpt with you.  The paper is dedicated to detailing my career plan.  It's for my Psychology 101 (psych careers and what to do with them) class, and I feel very passionate about what I put, and I felt everyone deserved to understand my purpose!

Transitioning

      I can still remember putting on “concerts” as a little girl, for my family. My voice rang out loudly for Castle on a Cloud from Les Miserables, and How Lonely from The Seventh Brother. It seems like yesterday I looked myself in my play mirror, dressing up in my prettiest dress, and preparing to sing for my family and my beloved, and devoted stuffed animals.

     It's still my dream today to sing...but maybe not only in front of my teddy bears. My career choice is unlike anyone else's I have ever met. For me it's scary and makes me vulnerable, but I know in my heart it will be worth it. I am working on becoming a motivational singer and speaker for young girls. The reason I am studying psychology and working to earn a degree in the field is so that I can have the invaluable foundation that will come with studying the individual. I am minoring in sociology as well, to give me the group perspective, compared to the individual. I recognize the challenges that come with this decision, and have chosen to charge forward!

      For an individual headed into my field of choice, there are numerous uncertainties. That is what makes it such a risk, yet so exciting and unique at the same time. My day to day responsibilities will vary depending on where I am in my career path. Hopefully, they will eventually include songwriting, contacting speaking organizations, networking, recording, working with non-profit foundations, speaking, and working one-on-one with young girls who struggle. In a field like this though, there are many problems to tackle and try to help. I want to focus on self-esteem issues in the younger generations, suicide prevention, and helping to create positive music that uplifts and helps people touching their hearts and their souls for good.

      I have so many reasons that pull me in this direction, but the most important are my love for music and my passion for people. People never cease to amaze me; every single person you meet has an individual and an incredible story to their life. No matter what they look like to the rest of the world, they still face someone in the mirror every night who is struggling in some way, and maybe just hiding it from everyone. I am driven to know their stories, and to help them, through song and through the spoken word. I could not picture a better way to spend my life, or to use my talents I've been blessed with. Each person, and every story I come to know- change me, and help me in my endeavors to bring peace to the lives of others. Though I'll probably spend several years without a dime to my name, as the starting salary is nothing...it will be worth it to help even one individual, and know that I made a tiny difference.

      The truth is, it terrifies me to put myself out there, and know that I will be rejected by some, loved by others, and maybe never make a difference. However, the peace that comes in knowing I was given my talents and my gifts for a reason, is immeasurable. I know I can help others, and I know I have a reason to do so. So while I can still remember singing in front of my lined up baby dolls and beanie babies, with my parents on either side, I look to a future of singing, and speaking for those who have lost their way, or simply need to know that someone understands, and is willing to take the time To Tell Them They Matter.

As Individual As a Snowflake

December 2012

As Individual as a Snowflake

     Hello my lovely readers!  Today is a glorious day!! I have to admit- I've been in a bit a of a "funk" if you will, ALL week.  As you well know my mom came to visit last week, and I guess I've been singing the homesick blues since then.  

     But I'm happy to report that this morning upon waking up, I was reminded of one of the reasons I love living where I do. I woke up gently, and looked around, feeling extremely cold (my window was open).  When I eventually peeked out of the shutters- what did I find? 

*SNOW!*

 No I did not take this :) I found it on Google.

     Growing up in North Carolina, snow was not a source of inclement weather, but a treat- a reason to pull out cocoa mugs and cuddle up for the storm.  

We always got out of school (I wish this were still true now...:( ) and I would spend the day with my family and best friends gallivanting through the snow, pretending to be an Ice Princess.  

Every year I would spend the months of November through February peeking out of my blinds for snow

 hoping,

 wishing, 

 praying, 

and even pleading 

 (trying to make bargains with the Lord is not always the best route when wanting snow ;) ) 

 for just a few flakes. 

Or a Snow demon...

 Once in a while, those childhood prayers were answered and I would see the soft, white, beautiful flakes falling slowly to the ground.

     Now that I live away from home, here in Utah, I see snow more often than not in the winter.  Yet- despite how often I see the snow, I never tire of those tiny crystals hitting my "nose, and eyelashes!" So, waking up to see all of this wondrous snow- changed my tune entirely.  What I thought would be the start of a bad weekend, full of work and business, is turning into a lovely weekend with just a touch of Winter Magic.  To me those tiny flakes bring a sense of magic to the atmosphere.

Calvin and Hobbes Snow Men :)

     What is it that makes them so incredibly special and mysterious? Is it how they flutter to the ground, leaving a mark on everything that comes in their path?  Is it how they make one stop to wonder and remember life at different times?  Or is it that each one of them is unique and individual? To me it's a combination of each of these.  But what I want to focus on today is the final question.  Each snowflake is it's own.  They all have a separate pattern of beauty and flawless creation.   

      What gives me pause today is knowing that just like every single gorgeous flake that falls, every person I see, know, or simply pass as I walk through the winter wonderland is unique and different like the snowflakes.  No two people are exactly alike.  

Just as the snowflakes fall 

into swirls and pattern of light and white,

 the people we meet walk into our lives,

 and touch us with their 

individual beauty and love. 

     This morning, I spent a good chunk of the morning finishing a fabulous book by Rick Riordan, called The Mark of Athena (see my good reading section for a review).  Annabeth, one of the central characters, compares herself to other characters in the story, and asks what is special about herself.  Everyone around her seems to have a special quality, or a power that makes them almost invincible...and she wonders- what does she have?  She comes to the realization that though her powers may not manifest themselves in wondrous and bold ways for everyone to see- she is just as powerful.  I love this, because we as people learning and growing, can apply this to our own lives. 

 Never waste time comparing yourself to others,

 for while you may seeing others most glorious moments, 

we often compare those to our own downfalls.  

 In reality- we each have incredible power and wisdom, built from the years of experience 

and trial we have 

endured individually.  

We each have a purpose, and the gifts that enable us to fulfill that purpose.  Just like the snowflakes that I can see falling right now- we are all different and beautiful in an individual way. No snowflake compares itself to another...that's silly. So why would we?

     I  challenge every one of you who might read this- go out and find what makes you special if you don't already know.  Search yourself, and discover what blessings and gifts are things that you alone hold.  Whether it's a talent with beautiful music, or the ability to listen when others cannot, or the gift of making delicious bakery items...go uncover it, and appreciate it for all its worth. I've had a rough week, but with the magic I've been given this morning, I am changing my tune, and appreciating the view.  I am exploring constantly to find me, and discover what I can really do.  Most days I definitely need reminding!

So I extend that challenge to you- 

go find what makes 

as beautiful,  

as magical, 

and 

as Individual as a Snowflake. 

Building something Better

July 2012

     This entire summer, my mother has been searching for the perfect seed-bead necklace.  I've seen tons of these on Pinterest, and let me just say- THEY ARE GORGEOUS. But with all the time she's spending, I felt bad, so I volunteered to make the necklace for her.  I found a pattern and had set in my mind that it would just take a few hours, and no sweat.  No sweat...right.  
     So for the past few days, I've spent a good portion of my day working on a lovely seed-bead necklace for her. It's gorgeous, but it is quickly becoming the Bane of my Entire Existence.  Do you realize what that means?  

It's like I'm Harry and it's Voldemort.  

I'm Frodo, and it is not just the ring, but Saron too.

I am Luke, and it is my father  

...you get the idea? 

Needless to say, I'm having a hard time with it.  So in my downtime, away from fighting the war on the necklace, I leave it set up nicely on my bedroom floor.  

     Now I'm not sure how many of our readers have children or little siblings, but should they find a pile of beads, an unfinished necklace, and LOTS of beading tubes with about 8 bright colors- well it's about the same as letting a shopaholic inside a shoe store with everything 90% off.  They go crazy! :) And yes, I concede, it is a special happy moment to watch that joyous little expression as they trample through it, picking up pieces, fling it around, and scream with laughter. However...cleaning that up...when it was everything you were working on...is just not. 

     This is how it ends. Misery. 

(Ignore the blurriness...I took the pictures half-way through cleaning up when genius HIT, and I realized I wanted to post about it. )

     Lo and behold, I had to pick up every single piece I could find, and it took me the better part of this morning.  It hurt because, I have back problems (but who doesn't? or at least elbow problems...or hip problems...everyone has problems) and it was frustrating, because I kept dropping them and having to re-find them again, and again...and AGAIN.  Just when I thought I had picked up all the beads in one spot, I'd find like 27 more.  My point is- it was hard work, and it's not the kind you can take short-cuts on, or you will lose important beads.  You have to just grin and bare it until the arduous job of evil is over. 
     
      Then I had the thought...how much is this like picking up the pieces in every other part of my life?  (You guys know I'm long-winded, bare with me.) A year ago this month, I found out that I had been cheated on by my stupid ex-boyfriend and wait, here comes the shocker- one of my best friends from growing up. I'll save you the drama ;) because I'm sure somewhere along the way in these posts and my songs, you'll figure out the storyline ;). 
     I can speak of this now light-heartedly because I've been through a year of what?  Picking up the pieces.  What happened shattered me- but I am SO lucky, because it shattered the OLD me, that I didn't know, that I didn't always love...or even like.  When I arrived in Utah, I arrived as a broken girl, with a couple of suitcases and an entirely new chance to start completely over.  You know what I did?  I took it, and ran with it.  I ran like I had never done before.  (Literally, because I quite suck at really running.)  I made new friends, I tried new things, I changed my life, I changed where I wanted to be, who I saw myself becoming, and most importantly...I changed me.  
      Now, don't let my happiness of the present fool you- it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  I had to readjust not just one or two things, but everything! I had to completely reorganize my priorities, the way I saw certain things, how I looked at different parts of life.  I had been stuck in this "wandering zone" for the whole last part of high school, and for the first time in a long while- I had to learn what it means to stand on your own, and for yourself. 
     Just like the beads, it was hard work.  There were days when I sat on the balcony of my apartment with my two best friends and chucked ice cream cones in anger at the pavement below, there were times I cried on my pillow until I couldn't quite remember what made me cry in the first place, there were days I felt pathetic and miserable...but after those days passed, there were days of beautiful sunshine, where new songs were born in my heart and new thoughts took hold of my soul.  There were many MORE days that were good and wonderful because I didn't take shortcuts.  

       There are no shortcuts in life.

 When you take what you think is a "shortcut" you are really just shortcutting yourself of all the incredible experience and learning about life and yourself that this world has to offer. 

      I had no short cuts with the stupid beads, but picking up every single piece made it worth it to have each of those important pieces back together, and this time the necklace will be even better.  Picking up every single piece of my heart, and myself was the best thing for me, because when I put them back together, I knew EXACTLY who they were making, and I knew that that girl was beautiful, inside and out.  I put those pieces, even the ones that were truly the hardest to pick up, together in a much truer way, and now when I look at what I thought at the time was a mess...I see someone that was worth taking all that time for.  

      Clearly, we all have challenges, and times in our live when we have to pick up the pieces, we have chances to find each bead and we have opportunities to change.  Every time you think you're picking up the pieces, I challenge you not to think of it as not only picking up pieces but building something better, stronger, something- someone to be completely content with being.  I challenge you to remember that you can't take shortcuts, but in the end, life will bring you to the most wondrous places and you will become that person you long to be most, all by putting in that hard work, picking up the pieces, and building something better. 

Lost and Found

What happens when you're lost...you can't read maps...

you have no phone, and it's about to absolutely pour?

     So last week I took a two-day trip to the beach with my almost-cousins.  It was an absolute blast.  We spent the whole first day at the beach with the sun and weather perfectly meant for us.  Imagine 82 degrees on the South Carolina coast, with just enough cloud cover to keep you from burning, but enough sun to warm up every part of you.  The waves were big and great for bodysurfing. It was absolutely beautiful...until it destroyed my phone. 

     I realize the depth of my stupidity at taking my phone out of my car and onto the gorgeous beach. However, in my defense, my mother HAD asked me to keep my phone with me in case she needed me.  You see, I was set to move 4 days later, and we were finishing up details for my trip.  Moving on, I was splashing and swimming about, enjoying myself like it was 1999 again when I wore my Little Mermaid swimming suit with pride.  My cousins and I were having the most epic wave rides ever as well.  Unfortunately, when I came out of the water for a moment of peace, my sort-of-aunt informed me that one single rogue wave had plunged across my things out of NOWHERE, and savagely attacked my phone in the process.  My heart fell as I ran up the embankment (yes- that's ALL THE WAY UP THE EMBANKMENT) and my eyes found my poor soggy phone.  

      We tried SO hard- really we did. We prayed, played, reset, banged, and roasted my phone in all ways possible to save it from it's saltwater disaster, but it was all to no avail. So I sadly let it give up it's tiny electronic ghost and enjoyed the rest of my vacation.  So I know this seems like such a funny little story with no real meaning or importance other than a $160 insurance bill, but that's because I've yet to explain the damage that this really caused.  

      Sure it was frustrating, but let me tell you, what really was hard, was driving home the next day. 

No mymap.

 No phone calls to Mom and Dad.  

No help.

  No memory. 

 Nothing. 

Nothing but me and the map book my dad made me bring...that I didn't know how to read. 

     I fully recognize that this might seem funny...now, but let me ASSURE you- at the moment it was ANYTHING BUT. I can honestly say that even though looking back on it, it was the most humorous situations I could have been in, it was also one of the most faith-building.  Now I don't know how many of our readers are church-goers of any kind.  Rest-easy that we love and appreciate every single person, regardless of their individual beliefs, and if you feel at all that this part about my faith could be offensive, you are more than welcome not to read it.  But alas, it is who I am, and I cannot and will not change that- even for just a blog post.  I share because it taught me something important, not because I believe in the power of brain washing.  ;) 

      As I set off driving down the maze of highways and backroads that would lead me on a 5-hour (supposedly 3.5 hrs to begin with) I couldn't have been more worried.  I kind of giggled to myself as I filled up my gas tank at a nearby station at my predicament, but the seriousness of actions, and the reality of the consequences hit me as I realized I had NO clue how to get home.  Quietly, humbly, and trying to keep calm, I turned off the radio, and asked my Father in Heaven to direct my turns and lead me to home.  I promised Him sincerely that if He told me where to turn, I would turn, even if it required going back and forth until I had found the right path.  I set out more carefully after that, turning back on the radio for something to keep me awake. 

     The next few hours were filled with driving cautiously along until something would spark my memory and a sure knowing that I should take that turn, or that merge, or that off-road.  Small signs like ugly Lion statues in front of an old house, or a really disgusting Billboard poster, are what triggered these redirections of my path.  After about two and a half hours, a monstrous storm set in above me.  Remember this is in North Carolina now, and when we have a tropical storm off the coast, the weather can be downright hideous. The rain was crashing down with such force, I could barely see the road around me. Several times I contemplated stopping and allowing the storm to pass.  After all- I had no possible way of communicating with my parents if I ran off the road or had any kind of accident, and I was making my way home turn by turn.  I simply slowed down and allowed the storm to pass a little slower.  

    I cannot describe to you the rush of relief that came to me when I pulled in my driveway; the comfort at knowing I was Home.  

     All I could do was say thank you to a dear Heavenly Father who had seen me safely home, every single step of the way- giving me guidance and instruction, inspiration and confidence.  Now I come to understand that power that this small and somewhat entertaining circumstance has as an example in my life. How many times has He taken me by the hand, turn by turn, to let me walk by faith, and return to my Heavenly Home?  How many times has He blessed me with Tiny signs and precious miracles to guide me?  How many times has He comforted me while the storms of life raged around me, battering me with their winds, and their torments?  And how many times are there yet to come when He will whisper the directions to me, and allow me correct my course, should I stray?  Every time I had to turn my car around was another time in life when He lets me repent, and forgive me.

      The most beautiful part to me- is knowing that I will one day be able to return Home. It won't be pulling in the driveway, and just happy to see my house, it will be an all-encompassing peace that brings me to my Eternal home, with my Heavenly Father, and my eternal family.  

     I may have destroyed my phone, and put myself into this predicament, but what a blessing in my faith it was- showing me in small ways that He is ever present in my life, and I CAN return home, no matter how Lost, no matter the storms, and no matter the decisions that turned into mistakes. 

I am so grateful for the blessing of being able to return home someday, and the knowledge that I will never have to be Lost; that I can make it step by step, 

and Turn by Turn. 

The girl I used to Be

     From May 2012-

 Two nights ago, I was writing in my journal.  The past few days have been pretty rough, after not getting the job I really wanted, and after not getting the boy I've currently got my heart set on.  So naturally, I was venting all of my frustrations into my trusting journal, not to mention the $100 to fix my computer.  Needless to say, I had quite a bit to vent.  Then I stopped writing about the irritations of the day, and simply reflected on something interesting that had occurred in my life.

On my way out to college- August 2011

       On Sunday, I ran into a past boy-friend, and he was exactly the same.  I got to really thinking about that moment when I saw him, and how I was able to smile and say hi, no hint of hesitation or pain in my whole being, and how he couldn't.  I realized, in that journal-writing time...I really have changed.  I'm not who I used to be, and I am entirely happy with who I am now.  

      Life is a continual progression forward.  We're always so worried about not changing too much, or holding onto past things that were perfect, but I am asking you...why? 

 We cannot move forward if we never allow ourselves to let go of the past.

 That's like tying yourself to a huge rock and then walking forward like you actually might go somewhere...that's not how it works.  

      We are supposed to change, we are supposed to progress.  And this realization hit me with so much emotion, that lo and behold a new song was born.  No- I am not who I used to be, and that is fine with me. I like the girl I see when I wake up in the morning.  I love her inside and out- no matter how much I wish was better, or what love-handles I wish didn't exist at all.  I still love that girl I see, and I am happy with the changes that have taken place in life.  

Remember the days,

 when the world was still new?

I thought magic and kings, fairies with wings,

weren't stories, but true.

Late under my sheets, 

I turned pages and pages,

convincing myself- they were real.

Years have gone by,

 the mysteries have faded 

that I used to see...

I'm not who I used to be.

(Music break)

When I was seventeen,

I believed I could change anything,

about a boy from a different land

who happened to take my hand.

But one day I realized 

It was me who was changing...

not him or his lies.

(Chorus)

I've come to know the one in the mirror,

I've seen the hopes of a fairytale dreamer,

coming to life, 

after pain, after strife

and Im finally starting to see...

I'm not who I used to be.

The chains of the past,

hold to me fast,

but I'm breaking free from their misery

I'm not the girl I used to be.

So I wait for the day, 

my prince walks my way,

straight from my dreams

into reality

and to who I'm becoming.

(Chorus)

I've come to know the one in the mirror,

I've seen the hopes of a fairytale dreamer,

coming to life, 

after pain, after strife

and Im finally starting to see...

I'm not who I used to be.

After freshman year- May 2012

Now you may not see much of a difference between these two pictures, but to me- one girl is lost, and looking for herself, and this girl...she knows who she is now. 

Are you Listening or Hearing?

What would it be like to never hear another song? Never be able to hear your grandchildren one day tell you that they love you?  What if you could never hear the whispers of "You're beautiful," from the man who will one day sweep you off your feet?  

    I know that these aren't exactly positive questions- but it's something we should all consider.  As a younger generation, we plug into our Ipods nearly every day and tune out the rest of the world.  Sometimes it seems like youth feel it is so important to drown out the rest of the world and just focus on their own thoughts and feelings.  WHY?  What is the point? Tuning out the rest of the world just cuts you off from the important things you might hear, or the things that might just mean the most to you...but how would you know if you're never listening?  

     Today I am in Massachusetts with my brother and his new wife, and I got the chance to attend their church meetings with them.  While I was sitting their in the main service (called Sacrament meeting in the LDS church) I noticed that there was an interpreter at the front of the congregation.  I became extremely excited and started paying attention immediately.  This year at school, I selected my language course for BYU.  I chose to study ASL, and it has been an incredible blessing in my life already. So of course, I was all but ecstatic to watch an interpreter during church.  After a few minutes, she noticed me watching and gave me a questioning glance.  I quickly signed to her while she wasn't interpreting that I'm a student of sign at BYU.  She then invited me to help her.  Now- I have never interpreted before, and can I just say- it was SO hard?  But the thing was...I realized while I was sitting there struggling to relay the speaker's story about her childhood, how incredibly important it is to appreciate our senses.  What if we lost them?  The Deaf Community does not view being deaf as any kind of an impairment and I think that is a beautiful thing...but having lived life with hearing thus far- where would I be if I lost it?  

      So now I'm asking you- are you only hearing the things around you, or are you actually listening?  So many kids hear what their parents tell them, but they don't truly listen to them.  And what about when someone is asking for help...even if they don't just come right out and say it?  If you're not listening but only hearing, what will happen to those people?  I am trained to listen for cries of help or distress, between the lines of casual conversation, and if I am not paying attention...what kind of an affect will I NOT have on people's lives?  

      As young women, we should be appreciating everything we have been given, and that includes things that we might often take for granted, like the simple ability to hear the raindrops falling on our windowpane during a summer storm, or the cry of that new born baby, or the crickets on a spring night.  How often do you value the priceless gift of hearing your parents tell you they love you?  Not enough.  I am guilty of this too, and I am challenging myself to truly appreciate the gift of being able to hear, listen, and all other senses or blessing I take for granted. I challenge you to do the same.  Just like those wonderful people I met today who were deaf, and cannot hear their children laugh appreciate the smiles they can see...I want to always remain grateful for everything I have been given.  

    Take the earbuds out...stop ignoring the hidden messages in other's simple words, and start listening to the simple messages of love and beauty in every part of the world. Stop just hearing...but learn to listen, and be grateful every single day for that chance.  

Happily Ever After..The choice

Unlike Snow White's kiss, or Cinderella's Midnight Ball, "Happily Ever After" is not something that just HAPPENS to you.  YOU have to CHOOSE it every single day.  Obviously its in the big choices, like

Where do I go to college?

What will I do with my life?

Will I choose to sleep with my boyfriend or will I choose to wait for marriage?

Will I choose to smoke/drink/do drugs?

Will I choose to love myself for who I am?

But its also in the little choices that you make every single day. The ones that don't seem like that big of a deal all alone, but add up to make you the person that you are.

What do I do with my time?

Do I speak kindly to others?

Do I have a good attitude?

Do I turn in my homework and try for good grades?

Do I make an effort to get up on time?

Do I lie, even on the little things?

Do I respect my parents?

Do I obey the rules?

Do I try to look nice and take care with my appearance?

Who am I dressing for, myself or others?

Am I the kind of person that makes others feel good about themselves?

Do I set goals and work hard to achieve them?

Do I eat healthy?

Am I a good friend?

 Do I gossip?

Etc.

As you grow, your situation and your choices will change, but the message is the same.  Each day, you have decisions to make- some you will think about and others you might not even realize are choices.  But it all adds up to determine your level of happiness.  You can't choose the bad things and not have them affect your life now AND in the future.  We all know girls that seemed to have the perfect life and ended up pregnant, right?  Girls, pregnancy is not something that just happens to you.  It is the result of a choice.  And the effects of that choice are life changing, not just for the girl, but for her family and ultimately for her child.  However, even small bad choices can have life changing effects, like a small lie that gets bigger and bigger and eventually smothers you.  One of my favorite authors said

"The sordid things in life

 leave you with nothing but 

tarnished memories" 

(Emilie Loring)

Make the good choices girls, decide what "Happily Ever After" means for YOU.  Maybe that's the perfect job, a college degree, or a home and family.  Whatever your happily ever after is- CHOOSE IT NOW.  And keep making the choices that will get you there every day.  

Keep in mind that it doesn't happen all at once- not like in the stories- but gradually as you choose to live a good life you will come to realize that your life IS your Happily Ever After.

-Aleesha