Keep Going

Hello my dear readers, new readers, passersby, occasional strangers.  Here it is Wednesday afternoon, and I find myself wishing I had been posting more lately. I finally have time to finish this post I started weeks ago, since I had a surprise day off of work. I want to make a formal apology for the lack of posts.  Aleesha has been insanely busy and so her posts are on a hold for a little while, and as for me, well if you didn't already know- I'm pregnant, working a full time job, and some days it's hard to just accomplish those two.

Now I realize this is no excuse for leaving you just hanging out there, but let's be really honest right now...it IS my excuse.  Unfortunately NO amount of "I'm sorry," or excuses, or justifications makes up for lost time and lost opportunities, but I appreciate the patience of those around me.  Don't worry, I won't bore you with all the gory details, but the first trimester was just rocky, plain and simple.  Was I horrifically and tragically hospitalized and almost dying? No, definitely not (and I say thank you every day for that) but it sure wasn't roses and butterflies. 

 I want it to be perfectly clear that this does not diminish my excitement in ANY way,

 but it is my only explanation for my lack of will power and strength 

in getting things accomplished.

Please note that I am profoundly happy to become a mother.  This is the most important dream and goal in my life, and I never thought I would be allowed to have it so soon.  To answer those annoying questions I guarantee some reading this will have: yes, it was planned and desired, yes I just turned 21, no I'm not in school right now, YES I want this more than anything.  I'll be featuring a blog post very soon on my decision to become a mother so young.

That being said, I've had a lot of time to ponder while I've been sick, and unable to really function.  I have several new blog posts already started and in the works for you to look forward to, covering topics such as depression and anxiety, why a degree isn't for everyone, my faiths and beliefs, why it's my dream to be a mother at 21, how wonderful the blessing of marriage is, and plenty of other lovely things that apply to most of the women I know.  I'll probably post some funnier posts just to light up your day every once in a while too.

But my message today isn't simply an apology, it's much more than that.  Something I have learned over the past two months is that sometimes all the strength you have is to crawl out of bed when the sun comes up, and crawl back in when it goes down.

 It is okay.

Defeat does not come in our lack of accomplishing great feats, it comes when we have given up.

 Crawling in and out of bed means you have not given up.

There will be days, weeks, and unfortunately even months in life where we feel like we aren't doing enough.  My own sentiments to my dear sweet husband have echoed those of so many women and men around the world.

"I wasn't productive enough."

"I didn't get the dishes done."

"No, I haven't finished editing that batch of pictures yet."

"No I'm sorry I haven't finished my visiting teaching."

"I haven't seen that friends in ages, she probably hates me."

"I'm wasting my talents."

And my least favorite (hold your breath)...

"I'm just not good enough."

The point is- NONE of these are true. I don't care if it's the same routine every day for the next 3 months, as long as you keep trying you are still not defeated, and you are still accomplishing so much.  I know people who are fighting this same battle because of health conditions, depression, pregnancy, money issues, anxiety, loss of drive or passion, mid life crises, surgery recovery, plain exhaustion, and the list doesn't stop there.

No matter what monster you're facing, or river you're wading, keep going.  It is not the end, and it will get better with time.  Even if it takes all your strength, and all your might just to keep your head up, keep going.

You are more than your trials, and you'll be able to look back one day and see how they changed you, shaped you into the person you wanted to become.  That person you want to be now, the one that can face these trials, is already inside of you.  You just can't see that person clearly until you turn around and see how far you have already come.

Keep going, and believe in yourself and your ability to overcome. Honestly, sometimes breaking through the grey means just keeping on trying.  You might not break through every single day. But as long as you don't give up, there are more opportunities to make life better. I know without a doubt that even during the hardest of times, there is still someone rooting for me, and not just my wonderful husband, but my loving Father in Heaven.  His Son has descended below, and risen above each of my trials, and as hard as these moments seem now- I know with their help I can overcome them. Your Father in Heaven knows you and loves you perfectly.  Weaknesses and trials make us humble, stronger, and ultimately the person He and each of us WANT to become.  He will support you, you just have to Keep Going.

BELIEVE in your Infinite Worth

Step 1: B

Believe in your INFINITE Worth.

We are conditioned, by the world we grew up in, to believe that our worth- or our value- 

is something that must be defined in finite terms.

I am of value, because I am beautiful.

I am of value, because I am thin.

I am of value, because I am intelligent.

I am of value, because I have an education.

I am of value, because I play the piano well.

I am of value, because I am fashionable.

Etc, Etc, Etc

The danger in defining worth in these finite ways is that whenever something happens to challenge our thinking, our faith in our own value crumbles.

When I started college, I defined myself very clearly.  I was beautiful, I was intelligent, and I was talented.  I felt very confident in myself and in my abilities and had a very healthy self esteem.  I knew that I could do anything.  

However, it didn't take me very long, to realize I was surrounded by other women who were gorgeous, talented, and intelligent. 

 I suddenly felt very small, and insignificant, and began to challenge the picture I had painted for myself of who I was. Then the rosy future I had planned began to falter.  I got very sick and couldn't sing- which was a HUGE part of my self defined identity, and my MAJOR.  My 2 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend ended (it was mutual, but it was still a huge readjustment for me mentally).  I fell head over heels for another boy who didn't love me back, and then to top it off I overheard myself being described as an airhead by a close friend.  

Can you imagine how I felt?  

Everything I had used to define myself had been challenged.

 

One night in particular, I felt...so alone...so completely alone.  Most of my friends and pretty much the entire campus was at a fancy dance that I had VERY much wanted to attend, and had not been invited to. I had been very sick recently, and had been told by a doctor that it was "all in my head" and that I needed to wake up and realize that I wasn't the perfect person I thought I was, and to admit to myself that I had sins I hadn't repented of, or I wouldn't be feeling this way." (I ended up having an undiagnosed heart condition that was surgically repaired a few years later...take THAT shady doctor!)  

Anyway I was lying on our picnic table in our front yard staring up at the stars, and feeling so very alone, when I began to sing "Somewhere Out There" softly to myself.  Far away I had a tiny little 7 year old sister, and we would sing that song to each other over the phone when she missed me.  (Shannon) 

 I realized, as I sang the words that there was someone out there who loved me no matter what,
 not just my little sister,

but God, my Loving Father in Heaven.

 

I felt suddenly encompassed by a warm blanket, even though the night was chilly, and felt my Fathers love for me, and my infinite worth to him, in that moment.  INFINITE.  

Never ending, and without limits.

 My life didn't suddenly get easier.  I didn't meet my prince charming the next day, and my health didn't get better for years to come.  But in that moment I realized that my value, and my worth, had nothing to do with the ways I had defined myself.  I began to work a little harder on appreciating my relationship with my father in heaven.  When things got worse, he was there beside me.

Ladies, WE put the limits on our value.  We are the ones who believe we are only of worth "if we are __________".  

Our Father in Heaven loves us no matter what.

 He loves us in our weak moments, as much as he loves us when we are

doing something Amazing.

You are a princess, a Daughter of a King.  And when YOU know and BELIEVE in this infinite worth, everything else becomes a little less important.  You are freed from the restraints you have put upon your own value, and you can become whatever, whomever you want to become.  

I challenge you this week, to find faith in yourself and your relationship with God.  Get down on your knees, even if you think you have forgotten how, and simply talk.  Ask your father in heaven for a little more confidence in your own value.  I promise you, if you ask- in faith, you will find the answers you are looking for.

I want to share a video that shows one Young Woman's Journey through self discovery.  Lindsay Stirling is a favorite in our house, and after watching this, we love her a little more- if that's even possible.

-Aleesha Bake

See Aleesha's original post at: Break Through: The plan

They Matter

     Hello everyone! I've just spent the last hour in the lovely library, typing away at my psychology paper (just kidding, I spent half an hour on Facebook and checking email ;)), and I would like to share an excerpt with you.  The paper is dedicated to detailing my career plan.  It's for my Psychology 101 (psych careers and what to do with them) class, and I feel very passionate about what I put, and I felt everyone deserved to understand my purpose!

Transitioning

      I can still remember putting on “concerts” as a little girl, for my family. My voice rang out loudly for Castle on a Cloud from Les Miserables, and How Lonely from The Seventh Brother. It seems like yesterday I looked myself in my play mirror, dressing up in my prettiest dress, and preparing to sing for my family and my beloved, and devoted stuffed animals.

     It's still my dream today to sing...but maybe not only in front of my teddy bears. My career choice is unlike anyone else's I have ever met. For me it's scary and makes me vulnerable, but I know in my heart it will be worth it. I am working on becoming a motivational singer and speaker for young girls. The reason I am studying psychology and working to earn a degree in the field is so that I can have the invaluable foundation that will come with studying the individual. I am minoring in sociology as well, to give me the group perspective, compared to the individual. I recognize the challenges that come with this decision, and have chosen to charge forward!

      For an individual headed into my field of choice, there are numerous uncertainties. That is what makes it such a risk, yet so exciting and unique at the same time. My day to day responsibilities will vary depending on where I am in my career path. Hopefully, they will eventually include songwriting, contacting speaking organizations, networking, recording, working with non-profit foundations, speaking, and working one-on-one with young girls who struggle. In a field like this though, there are many problems to tackle and try to help. I want to focus on self-esteem issues in the younger generations, suicide prevention, and helping to create positive music that uplifts and helps people touching their hearts and their souls for good.

      I have so many reasons that pull me in this direction, but the most important are my love for music and my passion for people. People never cease to amaze me; every single person you meet has an individual and an incredible story to their life. No matter what they look like to the rest of the world, they still face someone in the mirror every night who is struggling in some way, and maybe just hiding it from everyone. I am driven to know their stories, and to help them, through song and through the spoken word. I could not picture a better way to spend my life, or to use my talents I've been blessed with. Each person, and every story I come to know- change me, and help me in my endeavors to bring peace to the lives of others. Though I'll probably spend several years without a dime to my name, as the starting salary is nothing...it will be worth it to help even one individual, and know that I made a tiny difference.

      The truth is, it terrifies me to put myself out there, and know that I will be rejected by some, loved by others, and maybe never make a difference. However, the peace that comes in knowing I was given my talents and my gifts for a reason, is immeasurable. I know I can help others, and I know I have a reason to do so. So while I can still remember singing in front of my lined up baby dolls and beanie babies, with my parents on either side, I look to a future of singing, and speaking for those who have lost their way, or simply need to know that someone understands, and is willing to take the time To Tell Them They Matter.

As Individual As a Snowflake

December 2012

As Individual as a Snowflake

     Hello my lovely readers!  Today is a glorious day!! I have to admit- I've been in a bit a of a "funk" if you will, ALL week.  As you well know my mom came to visit last week, and I guess I've been singing the homesick blues since then.  

     But I'm happy to report that this morning upon waking up, I was reminded of one of the reasons I love living where I do. I woke up gently, and looked around, feeling extremely cold (my window was open).  When I eventually peeked out of the shutters- what did I find? 

*SNOW!*

 No I did not take this :) I found it on Google.

     Growing up in North Carolina, snow was not a source of inclement weather, but a treat- a reason to pull out cocoa mugs and cuddle up for the storm.  

We always got out of school (I wish this were still true now...:( ) and I would spend the day with my family and best friends gallivanting through the snow, pretending to be an Ice Princess.  

Every year I would spend the months of November through February peeking out of my blinds for snow

 hoping,

 wishing, 

 praying, 

and even pleading 

 (trying to make bargains with the Lord is not always the best route when wanting snow ;) ) 

 for just a few flakes. 

Or a Snow demon...

 Once in a while, those childhood prayers were answered and I would see the soft, white, beautiful flakes falling slowly to the ground.

     Now that I live away from home, here in Utah, I see snow more often than not in the winter.  Yet- despite how often I see the snow, I never tire of those tiny crystals hitting my "nose, and eyelashes!" So, waking up to see all of this wondrous snow- changed my tune entirely.  What I thought would be the start of a bad weekend, full of work and business, is turning into a lovely weekend with just a touch of Winter Magic.  To me those tiny flakes bring a sense of magic to the atmosphere.

Calvin and Hobbes Snow Men :)

     What is it that makes them so incredibly special and mysterious? Is it how they flutter to the ground, leaving a mark on everything that comes in their path?  Is it how they make one stop to wonder and remember life at different times?  Or is it that each one of them is unique and individual? To me it's a combination of each of these.  But what I want to focus on today is the final question.  Each snowflake is it's own.  They all have a separate pattern of beauty and flawless creation.   

      What gives me pause today is knowing that just like every single gorgeous flake that falls, every person I see, know, or simply pass as I walk through the winter wonderland is unique and different like the snowflakes.  No two people are exactly alike.  

Just as the snowflakes fall 

into swirls and pattern of light and white,

 the people we meet walk into our lives,

 and touch us with their 

individual beauty and love. 

     This morning, I spent a good chunk of the morning finishing a fabulous book by Rick Riordan, called The Mark of Athena (see my good reading section for a review).  Annabeth, one of the central characters, compares herself to other characters in the story, and asks what is special about herself.  Everyone around her seems to have a special quality, or a power that makes them almost invincible...and she wonders- what does she have?  She comes to the realization that though her powers may not manifest themselves in wondrous and bold ways for everyone to see- she is just as powerful.  I love this, because we as people learning and growing, can apply this to our own lives. 

 Never waste time comparing yourself to others,

 for while you may seeing others most glorious moments, 

we often compare those to our own downfalls.  

 In reality- we each have incredible power and wisdom, built from the years of experience 

and trial we have 

endured individually.  

We each have a purpose, and the gifts that enable us to fulfill that purpose.  Just like the snowflakes that I can see falling right now- we are all different and beautiful in an individual way. No snowflake compares itself to another...that's silly. So why would we?

     I  challenge every one of you who might read this- go out and find what makes you special if you don't already know.  Search yourself, and discover what blessings and gifts are things that you alone hold.  Whether it's a talent with beautiful music, or the ability to listen when others cannot, or the gift of making delicious bakery items...go uncover it, and appreciate it for all its worth. I've had a rough week, but with the magic I've been given this morning, I am changing my tune, and appreciating the view.  I am exploring constantly to find me, and discover what I can really do.  Most days I definitely need reminding!

So I extend that challenge to you- 

go find what makes 

as beautiful,  

as magical, 

and 

as Individual as a Snowflake. 

The girl I used to Be

     From May 2012-

 Two nights ago, I was writing in my journal.  The past few days have been pretty rough, after not getting the job I really wanted, and after not getting the boy I've currently got my heart set on.  So naturally, I was venting all of my frustrations into my trusting journal, not to mention the $100 to fix my computer.  Needless to say, I had quite a bit to vent.  Then I stopped writing about the irritations of the day, and simply reflected on something interesting that had occurred in my life.

On my way out to college- August 2011

       On Sunday, I ran into a past boy-friend, and he was exactly the same.  I got to really thinking about that moment when I saw him, and how I was able to smile and say hi, no hint of hesitation or pain in my whole being, and how he couldn't.  I realized, in that journal-writing time...I really have changed.  I'm not who I used to be, and I am entirely happy with who I am now.  

      Life is a continual progression forward.  We're always so worried about not changing too much, or holding onto past things that were perfect, but I am asking you...why? 

 We cannot move forward if we never allow ourselves to let go of the past.

 That's like tying yourself to a huge rock and then walking forward like you actually might go somewhere...that's not how it works.  

      We are supposed to change, we are supposed to progress.  And this realization hit me with so much emotion, that lo and behold a new song was born.  No- I am not who I used to be, and that is fine with me. I like the girl I see when I wake up in the morning.  I love her inside and out- no matter how much I wish was better, or what love-handles I wish didn't exist at all.  I still love that girl I see, and I am happy with the changes that have taken place in life.  

Remember the days,

 when the world was still new?

I thought magic and kings, fairies with wings,

weren't stories, but true.

Late under my sheets, 

I turned pages and pages,

convincing myself- they were real.

Years have gone by,

 the mysteries have faded 

that I used to see...

I'm not who I used to be.

(Music break)

When I was seventeen,

I believed I could change anything,

about a boy from a different land

who happened to take my hand.

But one day I realized 

It was me who was changing...

not him or his lies.

(Chorus)

I've come to know the one in the mirror,

I've seen the hopes of a fairytale dreamer,

coming to life, 

after pain, after strife

and Im finally starting to see...

I'm not who I used to be.

The chains of the past,

hold to me fast,

but I'm breaking free from their misery

I'm not the girl I used to be.

So I wait for the day, 

my prince walks my way,

straight from my dreams

into reality

and to who I'm becoming.

(Chorus)

I've come to know the one in the mirror,

I've seen the hopes of a fairytale dreamer,

coming to life, 

after pain, after strife

and Im finally starting to see...

I'm not who I used to be.

After freshman year- May 2012

Now you may not see much of a difference between these two pictures, but to me- one girl is lost, and looking for herself, and this girl...she knows who she is now.