Bow Ties and Band Aids

That's right. You saw this picture
correctly. 

It's a BOY! A small bundle of energy covered in dirt, and adventures, that has already stolen my heart. I could not be more excited, which is honestly shocking, because I thought FOR SURE that it was girl, but I was happily mistaken. 


I'm sorry dear young baby son for calling you a girl several times, I promise I only had the best intentions. :) 

But now we know for sure that he is very much all boy. We have chosen the name Russell, and we've decided to go ahead and announce this, so you don't have to call our baby Baby Park anymore, but you can call him by who he will become. (No middle name yet)

I just wanted to announce this, so it's not that long of a post, but I do want to leave you with a thought before I head off to celebrate with my amazing husband, and this little boy's father-to-be. I've had the question posed to me recently, "Why? You're 21...you should be out partying, in school, learning what you want out of life, messing around and making mistakes."

My answer back is...why?

Why would I give up the best decisions 

I've ever made in my life, both featured in these pictures, 

for something of lesser value? 

Even as a tiny girl I dreamed of the day I would become a mother, and a homemaker, just like my beautiful mother. I watched my sisters take on this role, and my heart ached with the desire to be here myself. Why on earth would I wait, or walk away, to "party" or be in school. 

 My answer is that I do actually know what I want to do with my life thank you, 

and it begins and ends with this picture. 

Everything else in my life is a just an added blessing.  

I still have all my dreams, I still want to sing, to write music, to speak, and influence others for good, to run my own charity organization, maybe even shoot for politics at some point, and probably change the world.  I still want to learn to graffiti well, and actually bake a cake on my own, travel the world, and help others see the beauty they can't find in the mirror.  

But my dreams all begin here. 

The first and most important dream of my life has always been to be a mother.  

I dreamed of a family, a life making a difference in the eyes of a tiny child. Some might say that I won't get to my dreams till later and that's "such a shame," but to those who've said these things, or even thought them...can't you see that this is my dream? Those other things will come later. 

Let's be honest...what mother in her right mind would ever listen to a young wife who's never had children on why she should love herself more? I mean...get real. 

This is part of my plan, part of my life, and ultimately my decision I made with my loving and supportive husband.

It's our choice to start our family now, and I want the world to know that we could not be happier. 

I'll be featuring a post soon on my thoughts of motherhood, and that's just a taste for you. For now, I just want everyone to know that I could not have pictured a greater blessing or a better life for myself.

My Heavenly Father knows me better than I have ever known myself, and He has prepared this beautiful path that I am so grateful every day I get the chance to walk. 

So here's to bow ties and band aids, dirt, sticks, snails, and of course puppy dog tails. :) I am going to be the mother of a little boy, and I cannot wait. 

 

Keep Going

Hello my dear readers, new readers, passersby, occasional strangers.  Here it is Wednesday afternoon, and I find myself wishing I had been posting more lately. I finally have time to finish this post I started weeks ago, since I had a surprise day off of work. I want to make a formal apology for the lack of posts.  Aleesha has been insanely busy and so her posts are on a hold for a little while, and as for me, well if you didn't already know- I'm pregnant, working a full time job, and some days it's hard to just accomplish those two.

Now I realize this is no excuse for leaving you just hanging out there, but let's be really honest right now...it IS my excuse.  Unfortunately NO amount of "I'm sorry," or excuses, or justifications makes up for lost time and lost opportunities, but I appreciate the patience of those around me.  Don't worry, I won't bore you with all the gory details, but the first trimester was just rocky, plain and simple.  Was I horrifically and tragically hospitalized and almost dying? No, definitely not (and I say thank you every day for that) but it sure wasn't roses and butterflies. 

 I want it to be perfectly clear that this does not diminish my excitement in ANY way,

 but it is my only explanation for my lack of will power and strength 

in getting things accomplished.

Please note that I am profoundly happy to become a mother.  This is the most important dream and goal in my life, and I never thought I would be allowed to have it so soon.  To answer those annoying questions I guarantee some reading this will have: yes, it was planned and desired, yes I just turned 21, no I'm not in school right now, YES I want this more than anything.  I'll be featuring a blog post very soon on my decision to become a mother so young.

That being said, I've had a lot of time to ponder while I've been sick, and unable to really function.  I have several new blog posts already started and in the works for you to look forward to, covering topics such as depression and anxiety, why a degree isn't for everyone, my faiths and beliefs, why it's my dream to be a mother at 21, how wonderful the blessing of marriage is, and plenty of other lovely things that apply to most of the women I know.  I'll probably post some funnier posts just to light up your day every once in a while too.

But my message today isn't simply an apology, it's much more than that.  Something I have learned over the past two months is that sometimes all the strength you have is to crawl out of bed when the sun comes up, and crawl back in when it goes down.

 It is okay.

Defeat does not come in our lack of accomplishing great feats, it comes when we have given up.

 Crawling in and out of bed means you have not given up.

There will be days, weeks, and unfortunately even months in life where we feel like we aren't doing enough.  My own sentiments to my dear sweet husband have echoed those of so many women and men around the world.

"I wasn't productive enough."

"I didn't get the dishes done."

"No, I haven't finished editing that batch of pictures yet."

"No I'm sorry I haven't finished my visiting teaching."

"I haven't seen that friends in ages, she probably hates me."

"I'm wasting my talents."

And my least favorite (hold your breath)...

"I'm just not good enough."

The point is- NONE of these are true. I don't care if it's the same routine every day for the next 3 months, as long as you keep trying you are still not defeated, and you are still accomplishing so much.  I know people who are fighting this same battle because of health conditions, depression, pregnancy, money issues, anxiety, loss of drive or passion, mid life crises, surgery recovery, plain exhaustion, and the list doesn't stop there.

No matter what monster you're facing, or river you're wading, keep going.  It is not the end, and it will get better with time.  Even if it takes all your strength, and all your might just to keep your head up, keep going.

You are more than your trials, and you'll be able to look back one day and see how they changed you, shaped you into the person you wanted to become.  That person you want to be now, the one that can face these trials, is already inside of you.  You just can't see that person clearly until you turn around and see how far you have already come.

Keep going, and believe in yourself and your ability to overcome. Honestly, sometimes breaking through the grey means just keeping on trying.  You might not break through every single day. But as long as you don't give up, there are more opportunities to make life better. I know without a doubt that even during the hardest of times, there is still someone rooting for me, and not just my wonderful husband, but my loving Father in Heaven.  His Son has descended below, and risen above each of my trials, and as hard as these moments seem now- I know with their help I can overcome them. Your Father in Heaven knows you and loves you perfectly.  Weaknesses and trials make us humble, stronger, and ultimately the person He and each of us WANT to become.  He will support you, you just have to Keep Going.

If you can make it past Wednesday

Wednesday.  It is the day in the very middle of the week.  It’s the “hump day” the “peak day” and when I was little, I thought it was my favorite day of the week. Wow. 

 Now Wednesday has become much less of a favorite day and more of a day to survive.  It’s common to get the midweek blues.  We all get them, whether you’re working and counting down to the weekend, or if you’re a Parent and praying for the Friday night date night to get here, or if you’re a student and it brings the blessed time to catch up on homework, or you somewhat non-existent social life.  

No matter who you are- I guarantee at some point in this life, 

you too my friend will face the midweek blues.

Today I have good news though.  The mere fact that you have made it to Wednesday says something about who you are.  You have courage.  

You pushed past Monday, clearly the most infamous and even hated day of the week.

You also made it past Tuesday, which can be compared to the dreaded  rising of a roller coaster.  Think of one of those old wooden ones with the clicking track as it pulls you up the passage. 

Click. Click. Click. (I know. You’re cringing already)

  So now you hit Wednesday, and it’s supposed to be the downward hill…or so you think.  But it’s actually just the peak of the roller coaster, as it curves around and you head very slowly toward the descent.  Imagine that flat, boring, and all-but dragging part.  

And that is Wednesday my friends, but the good news is that you've made the ascent.  That is a huge accomplishment. That takes strength, and faith.  So now you just have to hold on and make it past Wednesday.

Wednesdays are not just part of roller coasters, or simply part of your week- 

they are a huge part of life.  

A part of life you unfortunately cannot get around.  

Right now my Wednesday is a number of things.  One of them is that it actually is Wednesday, my house is messy, and I’m exhausted.  Another example would be work right now-  I love my job, but it’s been extra stressful lately with getting sick (I had a cold for 3 weeks.  It was great. Not.) and just feeling behind.  Our cat (her name is Ainsley) spilled water across the table, which then seeped into our computer, and $1500 later, we have a chunk out of savings a new computer.  That setback is kind of a Wednesday too.  Do you see my pattern with this? 

Wednesdays in life are short times that seem to drag on forever.  They contribute to the grey times in life, and can even be defined AS the grey times in life.  So here’s my theory: 

If you can make it past Wednesday,

 you can make it past anything. 

I know that feeling, when you’re in the middle of a trial or a struggle, and you find yourself thinking- will I ever be past this?  It is so hard to see the end from the middle, and we have all found that to be true.  

It’s a sentiment I have heard echoed time and time again in my own thoughts, and in the frustrations, the conversations, and the desperation of others.  Working at Crisis Line, we hear so many callers looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  But what they seem to forget is that it is temporary…Wednesday is temporary. 

     It always has been, and always will be.

 

Wednesday will pass, and once you've made it to Thursday- it becomes that downhill slope, hopefully easier and not so high stress.  The downward roller coaster is the thrill we wait for, and the ride we enjoy.  And it will come.  But until it does, you just have to make it past Wednesday. 

 Sure it might seem impossible, but that’s what this blog is about-Breaking through the grey, even if it’s “just a Wednesday.”  I've included a list of some daily things that help pick me up. Find your own ways, and what actually works for you- whether it’s a real Wednesday or it’s a proverbial one, you deserve to get past it.  It’s those short period of grey that contribute to longer ones, so we've got to fight them off. 

If you can make it past the little things, the shorter periods of stress, you can make it through anything.

  If you can make it past Wednesday,

 you can make it past anything.

• Say a prayer
• List off all the best moments of your day on a sticky note.  Try and fit them all in ;)
• Drink some water
• Rub your temples
• Take a long,warm shower
• Breathe deeply for about two minutes and ignore EVERYTHING
• Think positive thoughts
• List off AT LEAST 5 things you love about yourself
• Stretch
• Smile. It actually can help. 

And watch this.  It makes a difference. Every single Wednesday I come to. 

Not what we planned,but we're happy with it

Christmas is the one time of the year where you don't look like an idiot going out to the middle of a mountainous forest, and trying to find a christmas tree in the dark.  Or is it?

Well that's exactly what I did. 
I, my husband, and two of our dear friends did anyways...and it was an incredible blast.  We began our journey at about 5:30, and we drove down to Price, UT (with snow, about 1.5 hours away) and picked up our christmas tree permit.  (You have to have a permit to cut down a tree.  I highly suggest you get one before you get pulled over with a gigantic tree on the hood of your car ;) )

The lady at the store was so kind, and showed us on a map where to turn and drive in to find the best trees.  Let me just tell you- we were pumped. Like as pumped up as elves who've just eaten 173 candy canes a piece. Chocolate covered candy canes.

So we drove back up through Price Canyon, aka one of the deadliest roads in the country. (just fyi) and found the turn off to head into the forest. 

 I probably looked a squirrel who just found a bag 

of fresh brazil nuts already cracked and abandoned. 

 At this point, I should tell you though, that it was getting dark...and by getting dark I mean it was so pitch black in the mountains that I started to forget what the sun looks like. (I'm only sort of kidding)

Well...much to our surprise, demise, and frustration...the "forest" was a whole bunch of FAKE pine trees.  

They weren't pines at all, they were the kind of tree the looks like a pine when you're freezing and standing in the dark at -1 degrees, until you get close enough to feel it, and it's not even close to that picturesque Frasier or Douglas fir you are so accustomed to.

The disappointment became more and more poignant with every tree I looked at.  
Now you have to understand, to look at a tree, I had to:

• shuffle through the snow
• climb either up or down half of a mountain
• freeze as I stood there 
• try to decipher if it was a pine or not

  I was only wearing rubber rain boots and jeans with leggings.  Yes, I realize this was probably a bad idea. 

The point I'm getting at here, is that finding your own Christmas tree is not as easy as it is in the cartoon Christmas movies. 

Honestly, as I decorated our little bitty stick of a tree, which we finally found atop a steep hill, and filled my home with Christmas Cheer, I started to realize- this tree is quite symbolic for my life.  

It wasn't really what I had planned on finding, but I am incredibly happy with it. 

 Life isn't always what we expect..sometimes the pine tree is just a stupid fake pine, and sometimes it's actually a porcupine.  Sometimes the tree is entirely elusive and you never find it at all.  And every now and then, you find the most luscious

 evergreen you've ever laid eyes on. 

But whether you end up with a True Christmas Tree, or a little Christmas Stick, isn't the hunt worth your time?  Life does not always turn out the way we expect.  

We have all felt that sentiment to be true. 

But looking back- even if it isn't what you planned, you can still be happy with it. 

My intention with this story of the infamous Christmas Stick Hunt, is not to tell you of how we can decorate our apartment, but rather how you can look back on your life and find happiness even if it is not what you planned on.  

I certainly thought by now that I would be some musical sensation, changing lives and chasing all my dreams.  I thought I wouldn't still live in Provo. I thought I would be almost finished with school. 

Even when my dreams changed after high school, I thought by this time I surely would have life figured out, that I would have my act entirely together.  I thought I would be well on my way to motivational speaking and singing for everyone to hear.  

Then when I changed all my plans this summer, and married the man of my dreams, I thought for sure by Christmas we would have everything planned out, that we would be a year out from graduation.  I thought we would be building our family by now. 

And when I begin to dwell on all those long-past dreams, even outgrown dreams, I can begin to feel that familiar sadness of what we could also call forgotten dreams. But just as I found myself moving past the idea of the ideal Douglas fir, and falling in love with a tiny stick of a pine, with spiky needles, and very little splendor to it...we can also move past dreams we should have long since let go of.  It is okay to change your dreams.  They are yours, and they can be whatever you want.  

I've learned that life changes around you, and your dreams too must change, for the better.  

So even though we may begin with the dream of finding a massive Christmas Tree to rival that of St. Nicholas himself, we learn that we can also be happy with a tiny one we found while we were laughing with our best friends, while holding hands in the cold winter air 

with the love of our life.  

Is my life exactly as I imagined? No. It's even better.  So no- it's not what I planned on, but I am more happy with it than I could ever adequately describe. It's far from what I imagined or even planned on.  It turns out my dreams weren't really big enough for all the things I have already given my heart to, and all the things i have yet to become. 

Look around you, look at the life you have, the things you HAVE accomplished. 

 If you're a mother, look at the tiny hands and big eyes that look up to you.

If you're a student, take a look at everything you have learned,

 in the classroom and out of it. 

 If you're an adventurer at heart, gaze at all the places your mind and heart have been, and overcome, even if you've never left your hometown.

No matter what title you might give yourself, give yourself credit, and remember that you have already done great things- even if you don't see it right now. 

  Is anyone's life exactly as they planned it out?  No. But for those who recognize what they have, who see the beauty in simple moments of laughter and meaningful expressions of love, in the peace of a quiet evening spent in reflection on an eternal plan...you can be happy with it.  

Chances are...you'll be happier than 
you thought you could be.
  

Break through the grey...look at life and see that even though it may not be what you planned on...it is still beautiful, and it is happy.  

And then let it become even happier. 

Happy Christmas Tree Hunting. 

Invisible Bridges

.

I took this picture.  It was last January as my father and I drove back to Utah, across country.  I knew some pretty incredible changes were coming my way.  I had no idea the depth and the magnitude of these changes.  Life changes. 

But I love this picture.  Can I tell you why? It may be blurry, and it may not be of anything more than a bridge, but to me- it represents change. 

why?

Well...life is always moving forward, and we constantly have bridges we have to cross. 

 We have bridges we build, 

bridges we cross, 

bridges we even have to burn. 

That's part of life.  Because when you're walking a road this long- eventually you will HAVE to cross a bridge.  

I love this picture because though taken a year ago...that is where I am now.  

On the other side of a bridge. 

As of today: 
I am no longer a student at BYU. 
 I lost my job due to withdrawing. 
 I spent three days trying to actually catch up on sleep, 
and get some projects worked on. (This is code for watching chickflicks.) 
I interviewed for three jobs.
  I took one of them. 
 I am a new receptionist for PeakENT in Provo, an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor,
 and life is still wonderful. 

Sure, you might think...woah now Shan, that's a lot of changes for one girl in two weeks.  Well that my friends is true, and that is why I'm telling you I have not had any spare moments to even write in my journal, let alone a blog post.  My sincerest apologies. Really. 

But what I want to tell you today, isn't really about the results honestly...those posts will come later.  What I want to tell you about is this: The change. 

Life IS change.  Whether we like it or not, it constantly moves forward.  

We can either go with it, or be left behind to gaze as it moves on around us.  
Our purpose here is to grow, to learn, to be inspired, to feel, to think, and to change.  

If we stand in the shadows, watching the leaves change around us, waiting for the sunshine to come, or waiting for the rain to stop- we are waiting in vain- for life will not stop continually progressing forward.  That's WHY the leaves change, that is why the rain comes, and that is why we are blessed to finally see that beautiful sunshine spread across the world.  Will you stand in the shadows, or will you step out, and see what life has to offer?

I'll tell you what it has to offer.  Bridges.  As I said: some you build, some you cross, and some you even burn, but there is one kind of bridge that makes all the difference...the invisible one.  

Sure. A clip from an all-time favorite.  But what is the message here?  It's the invisible bridge.  This is a principle I have seen time and time again in my life.  I've shared this concept with others, and obviously it's not really my original idea, but it has become powerful and meaningful to me, and since it is something each person must cross, I've taken to sharing it...so why not here too?

Faith.  Faith is vital to my life, my soul, and my heart.  Faith in things to come, faith in myself, and faith that I am not the one in charge of this path called life.  

But it is faith that we must arm ourselves with when we come to this bridge.  

So what is it, I'm sure you are asking.
?

 The invisible bridge is the essence of the all moments when one must press forward without a sure footing.  It is that initial step into the void, 

into the dark abyss of the unknown.

When you're standing there, it is an absolutely terrifying moment.  What if there is no bridge?  What if you fall?  Ah...but what if there is no bridge...and what if you fly?

We will never know what the future holds for us, unless we have the courage to leave the shadows of what we already know, and step in the light of what could be. 

The choice is ours alone. 

I have come to many invisible bridges in my life, and I have always felt the guiding hand of a loving Father in Heaven who steadies me, and who will not let me fall. 

 If I step out, it matters not whether the bridge is there, whether it is made of stone, or wood, or even smoke- what matters is that I chose to continue on. 

 If there is no bridge, then He will either catch me, or mend the broken pieces from the rocks below. If there is a bridge, then He will guide me across it...but still it is I, that must have the faith to simply step. 

There is sunshine down the road.  

There is solace in these steps, that take you away from the shadows of a life half-lived.

There is hope...one must only have the courage to cross the invisible bridge, to continue on...to live. 

Do not wait to cross the bridge.  There is Someone waiting to guide you, and there is life on the other side.  Be not afraid of the journey to come, only dwelling to long on the side you already know.  

You know what is on this side...so cross.  

...I did

The Beginning

     Today marks the very first day of my brand new blog. Anyone reading this probably knows that I tried to blog before...and failed miserably. I've asked myself 100 times, why did I fail at blogging? Well, let me spell it out for you:

• Inconsistency- I only wrote when I had time, I never made time.
• Spontaneous Posting- I didn't have as much understanding of my target audience, and so I pretty much rambled and talked about whatever I liked.
• NO target audience- yes I said, "teenage girls," but that's a beyond broad topic, and we all know it
• Not enough passion- I was blogging for other people in my mind, not as much for myself

     Basically...this list could continue on and on. But here is the message: ALL OF THAT IS CHANGING. For those of you just picking up on this blog- I just got married this summer, and life is changing drastically. Not only do I have the time now to keep up with a blog, but I have the passion for myself. I realized I cannot write simply for others to read it, and sure my heart and soul were in those posts- but I have to write, and have the drive to write for myself primarily, and not just because I feel a need or duty. 

     YOU- my wonderful readers, though you may be few, are invited to read along the course of my journey. In addition to this, I now know who I am focusing on. Everyone. 

Specifically the ladies of all ages in the world, but anyone who wants to read my messages can. I'm focusing on people, ordinary lovers of life, who struggle every now and then, who have to pay the bills, who try and

 make ends meet with a smile on their face. 

I'm talking about Breaking Through The Grey

What (I'm sure you're asking) does that even mean? Why is it the title of this blog? Why am I passionate about it? 

I am convinced that in the day-to-day life, every single person faces grey moments. 

World English Dictionary

grey or gray  (ɡreɪ)
— adj
1.	of a neutral tone, intermediate between black and white, that has no hue and reflects and transmitsonly a little light
2.	greyish in colour or having parts or marks that are greyish
3.	dismal or dark, esp from lack of light; gloomy
4.	neutral or dull, esp in character or opinion Grey. I chose G-R-E-Y because gray is commonly associated with growing old, while grey can refer to the monotony of life.

So what even are these moments? I am certain that every person reading this knows EXACTLY what I am referring to. You have had them. Chances are- you're probably digging through your memory and thinking of your grey days. I certainly have them. The fascinating thing is- they are different for EVERY person. Some of you may be going through depression, some of you may have a past you don't quite know how to let go of, or deal with, some of you may have a future you are terrified of, or a bill that will not let you rest, a job that makes you stressed and unhappy. 

Grey moments are the day I woke up and felt completely alone after essentially best-friend breaking up with my now Husband. The day I realized I would never be an actress on Broadway  Just the other day when I had no motivation to go to work, to go to class, or really do anything but sleep. 

Grey is the unhappiness of life, the unfair moments, or the simple day-to-day where you feel like you aren't cutting it. Grey are the times when you don't quite seem to know the girl in the mirror anymore, or even her purpose.

I propose that "grey" days, or moments, are essential to life. They are the reminders that we are human, that sometimes we don't feel like we have the strength the keep going. 

But if we never had those moments, how would we know when to slow down, or how to appreciate the

happiest moments. 

And while they are essential...I also know how vitally important it is to move past them, to keep going in life, to get yourself out from under the endless cycle of dissatisfaction with life- to Break Through the Grey. 

I challenge you, and myself as I begin this blog to find the moments in life that are grey, and to first, recognize them for what they are and what they teach you, and then to break through them. 

This blog consists of my thoughts, my ideals, my ways of breaking through the grey. My music, and pictures, my perspective on life. I write about things that make me happy, realizations that life is the best gift and blessing I could have ever been given. I am writing about my 20 & married life, and the things that make a difference on my grey days. 

Most of all, I write because I struggle too, and this is how I break through the grey. 

You know- maybe not every post will hit home with you, but maybe one will. So stick around- add your email to the list, and let me try and help you break through. 

THE DAY is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.
My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.
Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

                                                                                                              -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My message today is that you can break through it. I challenge you to start thinking of HOW, and tell me. Make comments, send me a message. I'll feature them on my next post.

Life is worth living, and thriving, not just surviving. Break through the Grey. Happy Monday, and welcome to the beginning of something new.