Now I realize this is no excuse for leaving you just hanging out there, but let's be really honest right now...it IS my excuse. Unfortunately NO amount of "I'm sorry," or excuses, or justifications makes up for lost time and lost opportunities, but I appreciate the patience of those around me. Don't worry, I won't bore you with all the gory details, but the first trimester was just rocky, plain and simple. Was I horrifically and tragically hospitalized and almost dying? No, definitely not (and I say thank you every day for that) but it sure wasn't roses and butterflies.
I want it to be perfectly clear that this does not diminish my excitement in ANY way,
but it is my only explanation for my lack of will power and strength
in getting things accomplished.
Please note that I am profoundly happy to become a mother. This is the most important dream and goal in my life, and I never thought I would be allowed to have it so soon. To answer those annoying questions I guarantee some reading this will have: yes, it was planned and desired, yes I just turned 21, no I'm not in school right now, YES I want this more than anything. I'll be featuring a blog post very soon on my decision to become a mother so young.
That being said, I've had a lot of time to ponder while I've been sick, and unable to really function. I have several new blog posts already started and in the works for you to look forward to, covering topics such as depression and anxiety, why a degree isn't for everyone, my faiths and beliefs, why it's my dream to be a mother at 21, how wonderful the blessing of marriage is, and plenty of other lovely things that apply to most of the women I know. I'll probably post some funnier posts just to light up your day every once in a while too.
But my message today isn't simply an apology, it's much more than that. Something I have learned over the past two months is that sometimes all the strength you have is to crawl out of bed when the sun comes up, and crawl back in when it goes down.
It is okay.
Defeat does not come in our lack of accomplishing great feats, it comes when we have given up.
Crawling in and out of bed means you have not given up.
There will be days, weeks, and unfortunately even months in life where we feel like we aren't doing enough. My own sentiments to my dear sweet husband have echoed those of so many women and men around the world.
"I wasn't productive enough."
"I didn't get the dishes done."
"No, I haven't finished editing that batch of pictures yet."
"No I'm sorry I haven't finished my visiting teaching."
"I haven't seen that friends in ages, she probably hates me."
"I'm wasting my talents."
And my least favorite (hold your breath)...
"I'm just not good enough."
The point is- NONE of these are true. I don't care if it's the same routine every day for the next 3 months, as long as you keep trying you are still not defeated, and you are still accomplishing so much. I know people who are fighting this same battle because of health conditions, depression, pregnancy, money issues, anxiety, loss of drive or passion, mid life crises, surgery recovery, plain exhaustion, and the list doesn't stop there.
No matter what monster you're facing, or river you're wading, keep going. It is not the end, and it will get better with time. Even if it takes all your strength, and all your might just to keep your head up, keep going.
You are more than your trials, and you'll be able to look back one day and see how they changed you, shaped you into the person you wanted to become. That person you want to be now, the one that can face these trials, is already inside of you. You just can't see that person clearly until you turn around and see how far you have already come.
Keep going, and believe in yourself and your ability to overcome. Honestly, sometimes breaking through the grey means just keeping on trying. You might not break through every single day. But as long as you don't give up, there are more opportunities to make life better. I know without a doubt that even during the hardest of times, there is still someone rooting for me, and not just my wonderful husband, but my loving Father in Heaven. His Son has descended below, and risen above each of my trials, and as hard as these moments seem now- I know with their help I can overcome them. Your Father in Heaven knows you and loves you perfectly. Weaknesses and trials make us humble, stronger, and ultimately the person He and each of us WANT to become. He will support you, you just have to Keep Going.